Don't Do That....

 
A conspicuous family...that is how "the world" describes my family.  Now being a conspicusous family naturally brings about lots of looks, comments and questions.  For the most part, I welcome the looks, comments and questions - even the stupid ones.  It gives me a chance to talk about my faith, raise orphan awareness and educate people about adoption.

However, there is one string of questions that makes me dig deep.

Believe it or not, people will ask the child's story right in front of the child in a very casual manner - the question is asked in the same manner as to where I bought a shirt or what I am having for dinner?  "So, what happened to his mom...so what happened to his dad...what is his story..."  I don't think people ask this to be mean.  I just think that they aren't truly thinking about what they are asking.  And, at first glance, it may not seem like a big deal.  But, I assure you that it is a BIG deal, and it is VERY inappropriate. 

Would this person ask a 4 year old who's mother recently died with cancer about his mother's funeral?  Would this person ask a 4 year old who's suffered from neglect at the hands of his alcoholic father about what's happening to his father?  Would this person ask a 4 year old about his brother that recently committed sucide?  Of course not - it is totally inappropriate.  You wouldn't ask a 4 year old about any of these "traumatic" events.

All adoption stories have a painful start. There's trauma. (See July 15, 2010 entry) If there wasn't loss, then there wouldn't be a need for adoption. This person is basically asking me to recount my child's trauma right in front of my child - my 4 year old child who is trying to process and cope with "his" story.  Afterall, isn't it up to him as to when and to whom he shares his story with?
 

Through His Eyes

 

Adoption is the gospel!  And, I am convienced that when I stand before my LORD, it will be one of my finest "faith" testimonies.  But, as I start thinking about adoption through "G" eyes, I am reminded that it starts off with a loss - with trama - with broken relationships - with grief.  It is important that I see it that way.
  
Take a walk with me...(This is NOT "G" story.  He will be in charge of when and how he tells his story.)
 
Just imagine you are a 3 year old child in an improverished country.  After going to bed hungry, you wake up early to walk for water.  Not sparkling water - dirty parasite infested water.  You walk with your mother and your brother.  You're too poor for shoes, so your feet have infected sores on them.  It hurts when you walk, but you have to walk fast to keep up.  You have to get to the watering hole early or there won't be any water for your family.  After about 3 hours, you return home.  It's hot, and you're hungry.

Your home is a mud hut 10' by 10'.   Your mother drops you and your brother off at the hut to watch after your dad while she goes to look for food.  Your dad is having terrible stomach problems because of the dirty water.  There's no money for medicine, so you just wait.  Wait for him to die - wait for him to live.  Your 7 year old brother is in charge.  After several hours your mother returns home with a couple of potatoes.  The family eats tonight.

After a couple of weeks, your dad dies.  The body lies there until your mom gets enought money to bury him.  It takes everything the family has.  All of the extra work is taking a toll on your mother.  She leaves you with an elderly neighbor while she and your brother look for food and gather water.  There's been a draught, so everyone is suffering.  Now, she is feeling ill, and decides that she must make provisions for you and your brother.  She goes to a local orphanage, prays over you, tells you she loves you, and walks away. 

There are many children here.  You cling to your brother and you wait for your mom.  She'll be back.  She always comes back.  After several months pass, you get word that your mother has died.  You are moved to another facility.  It's much nicer and less crowded, but where's my brother?  Also, the language spoken at the new facility is different.  This time, you are on your own. 

After several months here, you start to understand the new language and routine.  Your birthday comes, but there's too many children.  No one remembers.  You make friends and start getting healthy.  You see your friends come and go.  They've all got new families.  You want one of those families - someone to remember your birthday.  Finally, the nice ladies start talking about your new mommy and daddy.  They are coming tomorrow. 

You are right in the middle of play time, and the nice ladies come and get you and tell you that your new mommy and daddy are here.  You walk out, and there standing is a weird looking, weird sounding and weird smelling man and woman.  They walk over to you and scoop you up into their arms all while the other weird people are taking pictures.  After an hour of playing together, it is time to go.  The nice ladies who have been taking care of you say good-bye, and you're off with your new mommy and daddy.  You have nothing of your past with you, because you have nothing.  You try to tell them that you can't go, because your mom will be back any day. They don't understand.  You cry.
 
Over the next week, you go to a hotel for the first time, take an elevator for the first time, get on an airplane for the first time, have food whenever and whatever you want it, have toys of your own, have clothes of your own, and are strapped in a carseat for the first time.  Nothing is the same!  Everything is different!  You have moments of happiness intermingled with moments of sadness.  You think you like it, but you don't want to get too comfortable - too relaxed.  Afterall, you are not sure when you are moving on to your next facility. 

WOW!  That is pretty heavy.  That is why I've heard folks say - Adoption isn't for sissies :)  This is where God's redemptive healing comes in.  This is where He can turn the ashes into something beautiful.  Adoption is a tangible picture of His love for us.

Because of the loss and disruptions that come from adoption, we will be doing specific things to help aid in the process of building a connection.   One of the ways we will do this is to keep his world small.  We will need to be the only ones to hold, snuggle, soothe, provide food and comfort (basically meet all of his needs).  As we repeat this, he will be able to let his walls down and begin to trust us - and with trust comes  healthy connection (or as some say attachment). 

We will have to teach him that we are his family and what that means.  Children from orphange settings are prone to indiscrimately show affection towards whoever has what they need, which hinders the primary special relationship with parents and is very dangerous. They've had to do this in order to survive.  So until we feel he has a firm understanding of family and primary attachment, we ask that you gently direct him to us for all of his needs.  However, waving, blowing kisses and high fives are perfectly welcomed and appropriate. 

Why am I telling you all of this...well, we need continued prayers, and we want to equip everyone around "G" with the information that is needed to aid in the creation of a strong healthy foundation. 

If you have any questions, please let me know.  There are many resources on this subject.
 

Not Color Blind - But Color Aware

In the numerous education courses, articles and studies that we've read about multi-racial adoptions, we've found that you are NOT to be color blind - but color aware.  And, as I have entered this world of a multi-racial adoption, I am more aware of color than I have ever been.  I look at my neighborhood...I look at my church...I look at my closet circle of friends...I look within my family...I look at our elementary school...I look at the grocery store.  Yes, there is some color, but for the majority - let's just say that it is a sea of white faces. 
 
Now, being a Christian, I know the most important thing that I could ever teach my children - all of them - is that they are precious children of God.  God made them each unique and special and in HIS own image.  While I know nothing is more important than that, I also must be color aware.  I must know that when we go somewhere my son maybe one of the few, if not the only, black boy.  Is this an issue?  No! No! No!  But I know that there are certain things that we must do as parents to help him build a strong sense of self.  One of the simplier things is that he see people that look like him in books.  Now, if you are white, then this is not something you've ever thought about or at least I haven't.  But, if you are black, then you might have to search a little bit harder.

So, his 1st CHRISTmas presents arrived today.

I can't wait to have these waiting for him on his bookshelves.

BB pretending to read to little brother.